Animals in the 'Hood

Atomic Pee Man

The Mothership

Mr. Fix-It

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This is the old school, original Mothership text, brought from over yonder for you to be put to sleep by. Keep in mind, whilst reading, that this was right at 11 years ago (from today at least) in my life. Things have certainly changed. Groove on. The dates below are from September 24, 1997 to January 20, 1998.


Officially- 3:36 AM 9-24-97

1. WooooooHoooooo!!!! The very first installment!!!! As I write out to the butt viewing audience this very early morning I sit with a probably 5 or 6 day old store bought angel food cake, eating the whole damn thing. Uh yeah now to the show.

The very first incident (when I think about it it's not really an incident) happened a couple weeks ago, but I just remembered now. A woman (Bert!) at work bought the dimelady an ashtray. Yeah not so cool is it? Did I mention that it is a toilet? You see? It's shit like that that makes my world go round. I just think of the toilet ashtray. Guaranteed laughter.

Uh now the angel food cake is gone. Thank god. This next one is one of those you had to see it type-o-things but I am still gonna mention it cause it made me laugh. I was driving up I-75, near good ol' industrial Cincinnati, Ohio and I saw a beat all to hell, white chevrolet cavalier, sitting stranded on the side of the road. Ok now I said you had to be there so picture it dammit. It was rusty and just beat up, and spray painted on the back of it was "chevy rules". Now that is humor.


For those with virgin ears beware! This next incident is a bit graphic. When there be more graphic stories I will incorporate (nice) some sort of ratings system of course....yeah right. Here's your god damned, son of a fucking slut ass bitch ho warning.

This one is weird kids but I laughed at its grossness. I was visiting a friend last Sunday and I looked out the window and spied upon 2 hoodlum kids and a bulldog. Harmless so far, all is well and good. Anywho, I get to watching these kids, the older one was probably 10 or so and big and fat, the younger one was around 7 or 8 I'd say. The bulldog was at least 2. Ok, I noticed that the fat kid had a strange similarity to the bulldog (I can hear you thinking get on with it brotha! sorry). No big deal still. I continue watching and the fat kids proceeds to kneel down behind the dog and he started humpin it. WHOA!!! Dude's humpin the dog!!! Needless to say I screamed like a woman. I think I am traumatized for life by that one.

Officially- 11:40 PM 9-24-97

2. Welcome to the wonderful second installment of this thing. It's early so I may update this again but I forgot something when I wrote the first installment... like you care. Uh here ya go.

Ok here's the deal. I have figured out the path to take when trying to reach the promised land. All you have to do is walk briskly up the driveway to the left, go past the garbage cans, turning slightly to the right and walking sideways. Stay to the right on the sidewalk then your first step onto semi-heavy branches and leaves and stuff, take a sharp step to the left, passing the big branches and making it though unharmed. On the way back out just reverse it.

I think the toilet duck is just about the funniest advertisement on tv. Speaking of ads, has anyone noticed shit getting cooler lately? Like commercials and some tv shows and music... everything is kinda fucking with you nowadays. That's definitely a good thing.

Officially- 2:53 AM 9-26-97

3. Tonight I spent 2 and 1/2 hours washing my car in the dark it was fun and stuff. Oh yeah this is the third installment of this writing brouhaha thing.

I went to work today started doing some paper work shit and looked to see what the date was, it was September 25, 1997. Again like most of my stories, not too exciting. The first thought that came to my head was "uh 3 months till christmas". Still kinda lame I know but this is the weird part on Sept. 25 of 1996, I thought that exact same thing cause I wrote it down in a little journal thing, which I haven't looked at in probably 7 or 8 months, until today. Now, in my book that's a little strange, I dunno about you.

Officially- 4:52 AM 10-01-97

4. Let's see... tonight I didn't do anything exciting 'cept chase some rascally raccoons out of my yard. I tree'd 2 of 'em from inside the house. I heard them again and I made sure they saw me coming with a broomstick. If I hear them again it's over. We're gonna be havin raccoon pie for days to come.

I was driving to work yesterday I think, and I pulled up to a stoplight, and braked to a stand still. Just sittin' there in me coupe de poop, watching this guy walk down the sidewalk. If I had to guess I'd say he was probably 37-42 years old, somewhere in there. So I'm watching him he gets to the crosswalk so he can cross the street. Yeah, ok, no big whoop, hey I didn't think so either until I watched him skippin' across the street like an 8 year old school girl, flailing his arms and everything! I sat there through 3 more green lights cause I couldn't stop laughing. I tell ya... if you'd have been there you woulda laughed dammit.

I don't know if they got these pub(l)ic service announcements everywhere. In these here parts of Ohio they got this commercial type of thing. Just picture it, ya got michael (puke) bolten and he's just sittin there like a dork on the bay, and he says "Remember that old saying, 'sticks and stones can break my bones, but names can never hurt me' well we know better now. Harsh words can hit as hard as fists blah, blah, blah" talking about verbal abuse to your kids or some bullshit. The reason a commercial like that makes me laugh is quite obvious. If you've seen it (the commercial) leave me an email so we may bond by the pain brought to us by ole michael (barrrf) bolten.

Officially- 4:22 AM 10-09-97

5. Welcome to 5! Lets I drove down this dark ass road with my headlights off, it's pretty cool to just drive by your parking lights when its real dark I found out. Today's installment may not be humorous cause one of them is just my weird thought and I don't know if there will be another one so deal with it.

I've decided there is something I don't like to see. It's pretty gross and it weirds me out. Ok here it is... ya know when you're drivin down the road and it's night time and you see a lump up ahead of you in your headlights? Well, of course, when you get closer to the lump you realize it isn't just a lump, it's a lump of dead animal. That's right our good pal roadkill. That part isn't so bad, I've gotten used to it by now. The part I don't like to see is when you get right where your headlights hit it in all its glory and you see it all split open and nasty. Still not to bad cause unfortunately for the poor animals, I am also pretty used to that too. The part that gets my goat is when you have to dodge the animal and you get to see all the grossness liquid like animal grease and blood and brain parts and just yucky stuff, splattered down the road by peoples tires. You know, like when you drive off a freshly paved road. Except the mark you leave behind is disgusting animal chunks, not asphalt. Do you see where I'm coming from?

Speaking of getting my goat, there is a tasty beverage with the name "Love My Goat" I believe, it is a wine. If I'm not mistaken it also is made in buffalo, new york but I'm probably wrong about that, if I am let me know. (click the shroom) I would like to know the people that name a wine Love My Goat. That's funny shit. Oh yeah, it's good too!

Officially- 4:45 PM 10-11-97

6. This is six! Brought to you straight from dime's place. We are sittin over here and he is jammin away on the guitar (pronounced gee-tar) cause we are making bad attempts at making music. Actually it's only bad on my part cause he's good on the guitar (pronounced hee-tar for the spaniards).

I have decide that there are a couple songs that are played on the radio that just bring a big fat smile to your face, one of which is the violent femmes, blister in the sun, another one is Jane's Addiction, Been caught stealin'. They both are just fun songs. Any Beastie Boys too. If there are anymore just let me know via shroom express.

Officially- 1:28 AM 10-13-97

7. Seven. Enjoy it. I saw a bunch of bikers today. A dune buggy too. Due to a local hill climb... traffic sucked. I also got the bejesus scared out of me at a haunted house. 'Tis the season ya know. Michael (up-chuck) Bolton commercial is on right now, that sucks.

I think I was missed when they were voting on some apparently new law in the dayton-cincinnati ohio area, that says if there is a cop on the side of the highway (I-75, I believe I have mentioned its glory before) you must STOP! What the hell is up with that? Imagine it, gridlocked traffic just for a cop!

I drove my ass off to get to a haunted house that was supposedly closed at midnight. Well anywho, I drive 700 miles, which wasn't bad cause I was in the company of a nice girl, I made it with plenty of time and they decide that tonight they were gonna close shop 45 minutes early. Shit like that really eats me up. It happens to me all the time. I decided that I was going start getting violent with people when they do shit like close early. I am going to just start beating people up till they let me in. It'll be fun.

Officially- 5:45 AM 10-18-97

8. Well, today some exciting stuff happened (when I say today I am referring to the 17th). My dad got married again. I had to hide my tongue piercing from my grandparents and new stepgrandparents it was kinda hard to do. I also went to some restaurant and had to eat this fillet of steak that was approximately 51/2" in diameter by 3" thick at least. It was nasty. The inside was all red and shit, ugh I just get grossed out when I picture myself cutting into and eatin it. Yuck.

This little sight is a gross one and it just happens to be sorta related to my pre-thing up there and one of my other thoughts that I wrote. It goes like this: I was driving north on I-71 from the glorious town of cincinnati ohio, when suddenly I see some cop cars with their lights a blarin so being the courteous driver that I am I move into the fast lane, to avoid disturbing whatever was going on up there. Yeehaa, I can hear you say cops! How exciting. Well, it gets better, (maybe not better, but at least grosser). I approach the part right before I get up to the cops and I see what had to be an EXTREMELY beefy animal that had apparently exploded on the road. It was truly disgusting. Big, bloody, chucks of flesh tossed all over the road like nothin I've seen (and believe me cause I just thought about something that it could have been tossed like and I couldn't think of anything). I almost puked.

Officially- 1:40 PM 10-27-97

9. This is 9. It's gonna be speedy cause I gotta go to work.

A couple days after I wrote 8 I saw the rest of that animal... it was gross.

I have approximated that I have seen that michael (paauuke) bolton commercial 10,000 times. If I see him on the streets I will probably assassinate him. Then the world will owe me a gratitude of 80 million dollars.

Officially- 4:02 AM 10-28-97

10. Welcome to 10! I'm pissed off at the world today and I've decided that basically everyone except me is a cocksuckin bastard. The next few items are just gonna entail me ranting about random senselessness. You can skip this one if you don't wanna hear me bitch.

Ok, so today sucked real bad cause I was depressed about everything and bored with life. So I decide that I need to do something about my boredom (road trip). I invite the dimelady to go along, to which he says yes, and we decided to go to st. fuckin louis. Well we started thinking about how long it would take to drive to st. fuckin louis, and came to the conclusion that it would take way too long to drive there and back and still make it to work later today. After that decision had been made, we think "hey, the good times for all, Greater Cincinnati Hairport would be a decent drive from our present place of being, and it's bound to be a heap of laughs!" We get off of work and hop in the silver bullet and head down to the airport, all hyped up cause we get to play. The drive took approximately 1 hour and some change. The airport beckons us with fun calling "austin, dime, come my way, enjoy the vast splendor of my speedy moving sidewalks, my super long escalaters, and last but not least my tempting indoor subway!" Eventually, we find our way past the lemon and grape and orange and some other shitty levels into the actual airport (WoooHooo!). We play in the baggage claim area and make way to the worlds almost longest escalator. After about fifteen minutes of riding down this escalator, we stroll down the hallway a couple feet to see a sign that says something along the lines of "Terminal only open to ticket holders from 12:15 AM to 6:00 AM" or some shit like that. I stood there for a second gawking and this old hag walks up and says "can I help you?" I say, "I doubt it". Actually I asked if that meant we couldn't go to the coolest part of the airport. She said yes. Meaning they fucking closed the place I just drove a good distance to play in. Needless to say I punched the lady and the security guard working the metal detectors. Ok, I didn't really punch them but I did have the urge. Anyway, to make this long story even longer, I was fairly upset with the airport and decided that they all suck cock. After all that shit I still had to pay 1 buck for parking there. Fuck that.

We saw a big nasty chunk of animal on the way down. (you may think that I just mention all the gross roadkill I see on the road but oh no... this is real mans roadkill. The size of moose.)

To make my night even shittier we stopped on the way home from the airport at denny's. Point made.

Constipation Rules!

Alright get this. I write my page using good ole microsoft word. I might as well not even try to make any order out of the whole damn thing cause the shitty program does whatever the hell it wants to. Yes, it sucks cock too.

Officially- 4:39 AM 11-4-97

11. Eleben can kiss my ass. Today my stupid ass goes over to dimes house and leaves the sunroof open of my car in the shitty, cold, snowy, rainy ass weather. So I get back to my car and see that I left my roof open and I just laughed. The inside was soaked.

Dime is a freak. He taped toilet paper to the inside of a folded up piece of paper and gave it to Sarah, at work, for a birthday card. Freak.

Uh lets see, this sucks.

Officially- 3:33 AM 11-6-97

12. Today I went to the well rumored, "asylum" Supposedly the freak bar of dayton. I didn't see anyone that was all that freaky (it was also 80's night WoooooHoooo!). It was almost a decent time though. This update is strange.

I now have a hair complex. Call me a dumb gerl or whatever but too me this is weird. Ok, here is the deal, I, as of lately, have become lazy about the upkeep of my hair. I bleached it a long time ago (probably 9 months, maybe less). Since I bleached it I got it cut once and almost all the bleached hair was gone leaving just a little real light blondish in my hair, and the rest light sandy brown I think. I have let it grow since probably june maybe earlier and its now longer than it has ever been. To start it off, of all people, my grandpa says to me "Austin, I like your hair like that". "Like that" is basically just scraggly and curly and goofy looking. Not a big deal but I go to see the rest of my family they all say the same thing and it weirds me out. Further still, when I went to this bar tonight, this chick walks past me as I'm walking in, and she looks at me through crazy painted facedness, and says "I like your hair" and gives me a smile and I reply (like a dork, continuing the motif) "thanks!" and I smile back and walk past. Thus giving me a hair complex.

I'm done.

Officially- 3:58 AM 11-14-97

13. Lucky number 13 coming straight at ya biatch. Today, (being the 13th, when I say today) dragged on forever and it sucked. I got to drive my truck but we'll get to that later. Yeah other than that today sucked.

Now on to the subject of my truck. Dime and I drove it from his house to somewhere else. Sounds like no problem but you're forgetting that the battery isn't too excited about getting the job done, if you know what I mean, therefore it has to jumpstarted. In theory, once the truck is running and idling properly, it will stay running. Well of course being the 13th, we struck bad luck and about probably 1 mile maybe from where we were going the truck stalls at a stop light. So we sit there for a second while I go "whoa!" and chuckle a little and I try to fire her back up.... WooooHoooo!! nothing. Bastards. So we get out and start pushing to get the truck around the corner. Mind you this is one of the coldest days of the year so far. Luckily, the place where we were going held my car in its parking lot (not litterally). Unluckily, refer to 2 sentences before this one. So, here we walk, for what seemed to be miles (yes plural) in really, really cold rain. Needless to say it sucked. Such is life.

Officially- 4:44 AM 11-20-97

14. I officially work in a factory. What's up with that? Ok, the deal is the company I work for has built and moved into a new building. Our old building kicked ass. It was old and shitty but it was nice because every department had it's own little section of the building. The floorplan for our new building is a huge flat open warehouse space basically. If you would see it you'd know what I meant. Anyway, the new building is still weird to me, welcome to my life, and 14!

Gallons Per Flush- the first logical thing that comes to anyone's mind, when they hear the words gallons per flush, or even see the letters gpf, is toilet. Now that's power!

Officially- 12:54 PM 11-25-97

15. 15 shall be about my delightful weekend in gatlinburg, tennessee. I will start off by saying if you haven't noticed yet, every time I go anywhere something goes awry. This time was no different.

I got a maybe whatever the hell that means.

Being in gatlinburg was beautiful. Me and the girl that I got the maybe from decide that we want to go ice skating. If you've ever been to gatlinburg you may know it's not the easiest thing to do to get the the ice skating place. You have to ride this huge tram about 2 miles up hill. Yeehaa fun. So we get to the ice skating place it's called Ober Gatlinburg, and we walk right up to the edge of the rink and look down over all the clumsy people laughing and having a good time. I look over to her and say "I'm gonna go down there and do something stupid and crack my head open." Her response "haha." My response in my head "she must not know me well enough to know I'm serious." She asks if I'm ready to which I say sure and we head down the little ramp to go get our skates. I had told her that I didn't really know how to skate very well so she starts giving me tips as we get on the ice rink. Then she proceeds to skate around me making me look even stupider than I already felt. Eventually I start getting the hang of it and I start getting better and she says "skate faster and it's easier." I say "yeah ok." She says "I'm serious skate faster." So me being a dummy I decide I can try to at least keep up with her as she laps me for about the 4th or 5th time. We were standing next to the wall and I think alright, I'll try to skate fast and see if it helps. By the way, I can't stop on skates either. I start hauling ass down the way a little and get down towards the other end of the rink and I try to turn around to see if she is behind me or not and as I was turning around, I thought now would be an excellent opportunity to fall and bust my head open, which I did without a bit of grace. I turned around caught eye contact with the maybe chick and I may as well have just dove from about 6 feet up, chin first onto the ice. I kinda got up and was laughing my ass off and then I realize uh "OUCH!" She says " austin your bleeding" I said "told you I'd crack my head open didn't I?" Ends up that we get off the ice and some dude bandages up my face, but does a bad job, so we go to the store and get better equipment and the maybe chick operates on me which I thought was brave as can be, seeings as my chin was extremely gross. She did a great job and then I came home and I got stitches and now I will have yet another scar to add to my collection. That's what I get for listening to girls.

Officially- 1:00 AM 12-10-97

16. Welcome to December! This is the long awaited 16. I hope it's good. I'm not sure if it will be yet for the reason that it now seems to be that my factory job kinda depresses me. Oh well. I apologize to anyone who visits page often enough to notice that I haven't updated this part for a long time but if I do that just bitch at me and I will. I get sidetracked easily.

Let's see as promised I MUST bitch about something I happened upon on the glorious day of spanksgiving. My parents decided that thanksgiving would be a good day to make some sort of family day, so we start off by waking up early, and going to the movies. (Michael (up-chuck) Bolton SUCKS) Anyway, sorry for that interruption, the "wonderfully entertaining" movie that we got stuck watching happened to include our good friend robin williams, who in my eyes, tries way, way too hard, that's right the holiday blockbuster FLUBBER! I tell ya folks, the ole boys at disney aren't fucking around on this one. They went straight for the throat and took the original Absent Minded Professor, which happened to be a great movie and fucked it up by modernizing it and made flubber. In the original flubber was a lifeless boring tar looking shit and Fred MacMurray kicked ass. In this new flubber, robin williams is a dork and everything has to be new and computerized and high tech. I warn anyone now, that, after reading this, if you go and willingly see the movie and then tell me about it, I will have to hunt you down and kill you. That's how serious I am about how bad this movie was.

I am not sure what "smegma" is but I am pretty sure I wouldn't like any.

I'm glad there aren't more people running around trying to poke me with things.

Today is really the 11th, but I meant to add this one yesterday. Anyway it goes like this... I know of these pills called Brain Vita and they make my urine turn into antifreeze. Think of that, free coolant whenever you want!

Officially- 2:19 AM 12-15-97

17. This is seventeen and it's kinda gross so watch your step.

Well ok. Last night I fell asleep over at the dime's house after eating extra cheesy, pizza hut pizza, which of course not only binds me up but also gives me that gassy, bloated, not-so-fresh feeling if you know what I mean. So there I lay occasionally taking the chance to quietly relieve myself and hey no biggy. Then the fun begins, I fall asleep and start to dream the wackiest stuff ever. Actually, I just dreamt that I was at work and for some reason I seemed to be having difficulties controlling the ole bodily flow valve. So, as the dream goes I am running around at work just crapping in my pants all over. It was really, really gross. My nightmare eventually woke me up and reminded me to go sit on the toilet, which I did immediately for fear of soiling my favorite corduroys. When I hit the toilet, my fears were flushed away when I found that I could, in fact, contain myself.

Sometimes it hurts, like when I sit on the toilet. Not most the time though.

Officially- 4:41 AM 12-26-97

18. Howdy Howw! Welcome to my extra tasty crispy, christmas edition of 18. It will be delightful beyond recognition.

Ok, in my room I have my very own fire place and my very own christmas tree. So when I was awakened by ole st. nick I wasn't too surprised, until he wanted to spank the monkey.

Uh... santa?

Let's see, the christmas loot take home was decent this year with chart topping hits such as: a big roll of bubble-wrap that my mother wrapped up in like wrapping paper so I could pop all the bubbles, socks, a bunch of home stuff; pots and pans and utensils, a frog candlestick, a bic lighter, a killer champion sweatshirt, uh and a bright ass red n64 controller. There ya have it.

Officially- 4:21 PM 1-3-98 (this one used to say 1-3-97 and it was my first fuck-up of the wrong year)

19. Happy New Year!! My new year was a splendid rendition of a white christmas without the presents. Yeah, we had snow it was beautiful. During the little break in between update 18 and 19 I have traveled to Windsor, Canada, where I went to a casino and drank and gambled legally (I'm only 20). Then I went to my first and perhaps only strip joint, it was a good time. This is the crappy 19th update by the way.

Well I've come to the conclusion that if I didn't know any better, I would be gay, luckily for all of us, I know better. I say that for the reason that I have decided that all girls hate me for some reason. It's my fault though so I have no one to blame by my ole dumb self.

I have been shitty mooded lately.

I would marry fiona apple.

If I had a whole lot of money, I would try to spend it carefully, but no worries cause I don't.

I just had the pleasure of going into my garage, opening the back door and viola! A big box with a jar and a waffle iron in it falls on my head. That's funny.

Officially- 4:39 AM 1-6-98

20. Welcome to the first second of the third to last hour on the 4,673rd day of the 2nd year of my life I think, oh yeah and 20.

This evening I hesitantly watched a movie some of you may have heard of, or even perhaps seen, called Men In Black. I went into it thinking it would be some shitty space invaders movie just like independence day (sorry to the fans, I didn't think too highly of that movie). Anyway I thought the whole movie would be corny and stupid and just showing some dorks put on sunglasses the entire show. So I start watching and they were doing shit in the movie that just made you sit and think. If you've seen the movie you know what I mean they show a different aspect on the world than I would really think to see and it was super freak cool. I was truly impressed with the movie for the sole reason of the very last scene.

I have a glass head.

I'm glad my name is not Don Peterson.

I had a funny thought run through my head just now that went like this: .... dammit maybe not.

I'll be god damned if I have not been wronged in my head twice tonight. First was thinking that MIB would suck then I was just thinking of how much I really don't like puffy combs, but there is a video on right now by him and, of course, a bunch of his homies singing some crazy song that wasn't quite bad, at least in comparison to the rest of the crap that he blows from his vocal cords.

Officially- 2:31 AM 1-12-98

21. I've been drinking more lately, I've come to decide that drinking almost equals fun but that may be because I have found my line and I think I know when I am about to cross it. I only say this because I never used to drink at all. Now I do. This be 21.

That big boat movie made my butt hurt.

Being in a drunken almost stupor kinda puts a damper on my writing.

Officially- 1:34 PM 1-13-98

22. Alright here is 22. Short and sweet.

Okee Dokee. Motherfucking someone decided that at approximately sometime this past Sunday, they would take the liberty to see my big kick ass truck and bash all the fuckin windows in! Why someone would do something so harsh and wrong is still a mystery to me, but one thing I do know is that someone is gonna cost my broke ass a shitload of money to replace the windshield, the passenger door window, and the two big side windows. That's just fucked up hard if you ask me.

Someone broke my fuckin truck!

Officially- 4:33 AM 1-15-98

23. Yeah, here ya go, 23.

I was driving north on I-75 and near the monroe-hamilton exit there is a big church called solid rock something. Anywho, they have a huge sign outside and it has lights about as bright as the sun. The sign is kinda annoying and the thought "fuckin' church" came to my mind.... That's probably not good.

Officially- 3:26 AM 1-20-98

24. Here it is folks, a new item I'd like to call "uh....make an update on a prior update thing." Ok, that makes a lot of sense, as won't this update but oh well.

I have learned an additional thing about the wine Love My Goat. As you may have read in 5th update thing there is a wine that goes by the name of Love My Goat, the name of the wine company is Bully Hill and they are based out of Arkana (I think) New York. I saw a bottle of it and the label is the coolest like hand drawn looking craziness.


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