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This page is from Groundhog's Day of 1998 to April 16, 2008. Read it until you need to stop reading it.

Officially- 12:54 AM 2-2-98

25. Welcome to the happy-go-lucky groundhogs day edition of this. Today was not good. I may have mentioned it before, or maybe not, but I have a strange feeling that somewhere sometime I have done someone terribly wrong and boy am I getting paid back.

In my memory, it all starts off with my stuff. The first of the stuff is my car, it is a killer little Honda Civic. I bought it brand new off the lot in 1996 and I drive it good park it away from every one else and all that happy shit, then one day I notice that I have a couple motherfucking dings in it. Then I get a truck that blows up when it sits still too long, and I have an aquarium that apparently the same explosion problem as my truck. Get this, I got a fish tank for christmas 2 years ago, I had never set it up because I was hoping to move out of my parents house. Well the time comes to finally set it up, and me and dime spend like a thousand hours getting everything ready. It's all set up with water in it and my decorations all in place and we sit and admire for probably an hour or so with no problem (except the interruption by our fine men in blue). Well, dime says we gotta hit the road to run some errands, we take off and were gone for an hour and a half maybe open the door and there is no water in the aquarium!! WHAT THE FUCK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! There ya have it.

I don't get it.

Officially- 1:52 PM 2-3-98

26. Here I sit watching the ole boob tube, thinking about life, uh here's 26.

Comedy Central is probably my favorite channel on tv due to Dr. Katz, Daily Show, South Park, and The Tick. There is a show that should be banned from comedy central, now that I think of it it's not even worthy of being on The WB, or Lifetime (television for women). The show is called Make Me Puke I think. Maybe it's Make Me Laugh, nonetheless it has got to be the worlds dumbest show. There is nothing funny about it and it just sucks. Shroom me if you disagree and you think there is a stupider show on tv.

Officially- 1:33 AM 2-14-98

27. Welcome to the Fancy Shmancy St. Valentine's Day edition of my lovely writing thing. Which basically means you get to read my dumb thoughts in this annoying type. WooHoo!

The ole valentine's day festivities for yet another year don't include me, I think that makes 20 years straight. Damn, that is impressive. Maybe one of these years I will find a girl to put up with me so I can be romantical. It's weird to me to go through my whole life with no valentine. Oh well, there's other stuff that's weirder to me than that.
I heard a funny, yet oddly stimulating story today. But I can't tell it. Sorry to get almost everybodies hopes up (haha including mine). It made me chuckle for a while.

Being broke sucks.

Officially- 1:47 PM 2-19-98

28. Ya know I never realized how much I can appreciate regular fonts and not that weird looking stuff. This is the grand update 28. YeeHaa!

I was watching the tele last evening and I unfortunately happened upon a new hair loss infomercial. It basically showed all these hot chicks runnin around this fancy restaurant and there was a balding dude who was looking around wishing that he had hair so he too could have the confidence to feel good enough about his looks to start hitting on these girls. I think it's commercials like this that are ruining lots of stuff. Isn't that a little superficial, that guys are so fucking lame that they have to have hair to get a girlfriend? Why can't a guy go bald naturally and find a girl that likes him for his bald ass self? Because us guys suck. I'm pretty sure I will go bald sometime down the road and I expect it, it's no big deal. I will go on and continue to make fun of myself all the time, calling myself cue ball and other varieties of smart ass names. By the way, as soon as this dude on the commercial got hair, magically, as if coming out of the woodwork POOF like 3 chicks were on his jock. It's commercials like this that ruin it for everyone because they are just making this world even more sad that it is assumed with no hair you could not have a loving understanding mate. Go bald with pride, just call me Mr. Clean.

I was visitor 300 to my own webpage!!!! That is pure excitement.

Officially- 10:58 PM 2-22-98

29. Well the latest news is I don't work with dime anymore. That sucks. This is 29.

I didn't officially see some crazy drunken dude driving a chevy shuvette (chevette). He tried to wreck it into some other car and it was nuts, slammin on the brakes trying to get some other car to run into him. Trying to cheat the insurance companies so all of our premiums go up.

Life is gonna be sorta boring now without the dimelady to bother me all the time.

Officially- 3:26 AM 2-28-98

30. 30 is dedicated to all the women I've loved before... (ha ha ha). This one is funny in my eyes to explain more about me.

Ok, so mother comes up to me on like Tuesday and says I hear there's some girl that likes you. I says "oh yeah?" She says yeah some guy told her so. Ends up the guy comes up to me and says "hey man, some chick likes you, she may be weird, I don't know what to tell you" (among many, many other things). To which I asked who it was and he told me and I had seen her around at work (where all this takes place). She had on my 311 shirt today, or at least the same one I owned before anyone in the world.

I don't understand why only the crazys like me, the other ones I gotta work for.

Officially- 12:06 AM 3-4-98

31. Welcome to March! It's snowing outside for god's sakes. It was almost shorts weather 3 days ago, it's nutty. This is 31, check it check it out (the prior five words are to be said fast so it sounds semi-cool, but it probably won't anyway...sorry).

I made a sculpture out of my candle. I shaved it down with razor blades and gave it some shape and now it looks cool. Thanks for caring.

Have I mentioned that I have a life size brain and a grapefruit sized eyeball sittin on my coffee table, well I do, and they scare the hell out me everynight. Eeww... I get the chills just thinking about it.

I'm Going to Disney World and I'm scared as hell. The trip is going to be nutty cause I haven't spent a whole weeks time with my family in a long, long time and it may be weird. It may be fun though cause I get to play at universal and mgm and they may be decent. Or maybe not.

Officially- 11:43 PM 3-4-98

32. This edition number 32, dedicated to my new little sisters. Enjoy!

I just realized that it feels like I got 2 new kid sisters, except these are much cooler, we hang out at work and I pick on them all the time, and we have fun (I think at least). I was kinda surprised, when dime left I thought it would suck but, (sorry dime) it's not too bad. Anywho, these chicks are weird and they make me laugh a lot. One of them sent me this horrid, awful, disgusting picture of leonardo dicraprio (please for the love of god, DO NOT CLICK ON HIS NAME!!!) like I wanted to see it. The other one is the maybe chick and she is a funny girl. These are probably the coolest girls I know and I'm glad their around.

Thanks leo lover for sticking up for me with the maybe chick. I keep forgetting to tell you.

Sappy sums it up... haha

I just tasted pickles from smoking a cigarette, and I smelled kind bud several times today at work and didn't smoke at all.

Officially- 11:30 PM 3-8-98

33. Welcome to a rainy ass edition of this thing that I do. It is also 33. Soggy as hell.

This part comes from a trip that I went on with my good friend gay matt. We decided to go to North Carolina for the weekend, which after driving time consisted of about a day at Nags Head. We left Cincinnati at about 12 or so Friday night then drove for about ever, 12 hours I think, then we got to the beach and hung out about all day, then we went out to eat, then we found a place to sleep on the beach, which it's the coolest to sleep on the beach. Then we woke up and played on the beach for a while and swam, then at like probably 12:30 PM Sunday I, went into the ocean to urinate, for the first time since about 11:30 Friday night. Now that is just damn amazing. In my eyes at least.

Ok, let's see, the Sonny & Cher show was pretty lame. So was Mr. Ed. I know that last Mr. Ed statement may bring some heat in my direction, but if you honestly sit down and watch the show, you will realize that there isn't anything that special about a talking horse and his voice just kinda puts you to sleep. I hope it wasn't aired long, if so they wasted a lot of peoples time.

Officially- 1:49 AM 3-10-98

34. Let it snow, let it snow, let it snow! Well, yesterday I was driving around with my windows down and a t shirt on and I was in heaven, I was cumfy as could be. Today... well today we had snow, and how! Lot's of snow. And ya know come to think of it the last bunch of years I've spent in "The heart of it all" (I think) Ohio, we always get snow in march. It's always fucked up like that. The rest of the world being screwed by (my first mention of) El Nino, I cannot account for. Sorry to all you folks.

I have a candle sculpture update! I have now made my originally lame, shitty, (bought at peir 1, beware) big ass, vaniller stanking, candle, potentially cool. I cut it down with razor blades then gave it some shape as said in edition 31, but now I have installed holes through it and it looks good. More to come I'm sure...

You too could get 2 books for 2 bucks.

AAAAAAHhhhhhhhh!!

Officially- 3:10 AM 3-12-98

35. 35 is the jive, so bring your hive, and let it be live. I'm getting excited about disneyworld cause the weather here sucks. I want to swim.

I just broke my toilet. It was running (ya know the waters running) and I went to inspect the toilet innards and low and behold I snap off the floater arm thing, viola... broken toilet. Me being Mr. Plumber, fixed it with my vast knowledge of toilet innards, problem is... the toilet is still pretty much broken in two pieces, that sucks.

Jimmy Ray has got to be the worst excuse for any sort of music artist, or whatever you wanna call him.

Officially- 11:10 PM 3-22-98

36. Welcome back Kotter! I have been to the south for the past week and now I'm back. I didn't get a nice tan so that sucks but oh well. This is 36 back from the sticks.

Well Disney World surprised the hell out of me. I had an excellent time and it was probably the busiest time I've ever spent. There was always a time when I was doing something, it was nuts. The way my life works is I go there with the family, who after a little while kinda gets boring. I walked around the huge hotel resort type place just about every night (I think I walked about 50 miles this past week), and just walked and walked looking in amazement at my resort and how big and overwhelming and nice it was, and looking for some cool cats to hang out with. Well every night I walked and every night I found no one, every night until my last night of course. Friday being my last day in disney world I was walking around and said hey to some guy and walk across this bridge, then he walks up to me and we start talking and end up walking around my resort till 2 in the morning. So my new friend (Joe was his name) could only be my new friend for a day, but he was cool. Then on Saturday, being the day I'm leaving, I go to the main area of the hotel to get breakfast, eat breakfast and go outside to smoke a cigarette and this cute little chick named Katie came up and we started talking. Then I had to leave like 5 minutes later, that sucks.

I saw a sign for a place named Hot Dog City...yucko!

There was another sign I saw for a strip club, it was huge and it said BUTT NAKED. They have a lot of little shitty strip clubs down in georgia and florida. That sign made me laugh really hard.

The magical toilet fairies didn't show up and fix my toilet when I was gone, I'm kinda upset about that. Does anyone know or remember about the tidy bowl man? That's funny shit.

Officially- 12:35 AM 3-24-98

37. I'm gonna smack you in the face with 37, but I'm not real sure how yet so be patient.

I wish people would think more. I know it hurts, but it's good for the soul or some shit.

Well, ok, uh forget the face smacking part of this. I'm brain dead.

This is revision number 2 for the night and now the face smacking begins. I sit in my cold dark basement with shitty michael (makes me gag) bolton on the tele and suddenly I hear my dog in the garage barking it's fool head off, and I thought that was funny cause I don't have a dog. Wait, yeah I do, anyway I go and inspect the garage for whatever my dog was barking at, because my dog doesn't just bark out of the blue, I come to find a rascally raccoon. I, with my rascally raccoon expertise, flushed that little bastard out of my garage without it attacking me. I sometimes amaze even myself. I tell ya, me and these damn coons are gonna go toe to toe and I'll win by a landslide cause I'm bigger and a little smarter than them.

Officially- 2:17 AM 3-26-98

38. 38 is sponsoring my new email page, please go find it and comply. I like to hear from others, thankya, thankyaverymuch.

I've been seeing this commercial for a pay per view wrestlemania, with the "baddest man" in the world Iron Mike Tyson, naturally, wrestling. I really wish instead of Mike Tyson, it was Iron Mike Bolton. I would actually pay to see that. They could make more money than the boat movie if they made him bleed.

Officially- 2:49 AM 3-29-98

39. The Tick is a good show. Well here is 39. It'll be excellent.

I wanted to bitch about something I've seen out driving around. I don't know if everyone has these but they get on my nerves (as you ask what are these?) These are little white crosses on the side of the road apparently where someone died... now I do indeed feel for the families with the loss but think about roadkill. Why don't we have crosses out for them too? I'm sure that opossum you brutally ran over a couple weeks ago had a family, but does it get any sort of remembrance symbol? No.

Officially- 3:17 AM 3-31-98

40 oz. Welcome to special edition 40 oz! It's a drunken jumbalee of a good time. Who is drunk? I know two people who puke a lot one is Matt and the other is Sarah. They are light weight wussies.

It freaks me out when I have thoughts like the one I had just a little while ago. I thought, what if our entire being like life and space and all that we know combined, is just one cell in a cockroach that is starting a new species on a world much like our own. And that could be one of the first, of the many cockroaches that have seemed to be one of the oldest thriving species known. Then, that world's advanced civilizations just find all the cockroaches and stomp on them, because they are dirty little bastards. That's us! Hahaa. Then their advanced civilizations got the world right and didn't fuck shit up, because the cockroaches were gone. That's sick. I'm lost.

I seem to, without aid of drugs, hallucinate smoke coming up from my ashtray. I see it when I'm looking at the computer screen, but when I look at the ashtray, nothing smoking. How the hell about that?

Officially- 3:04 AM 4-1-98

41. Happy April fools day to all you pranksters in the crowd. I get this day confused with groundhogs day sometimes. You would think I would understand but... This is 41, enjoy it while you can.

Wicker!

Wick who?

Her

Oh yeah... my bad.

I think that if you think of stuff to think about it's kinda hard to do.

Toto was a smart-ass little doggie, but a shitty band. What's up with that?

This is the most of those little spiral things I've seen in a while. There's probably a reason for that.

Officially- 12:33 AM 4-2-98

42. Welcome to 42! This morning (being Wednesday, humpday, for me) I took the grand opportunity to kick ass in basketball like on many humpday's. You see, some kids from work sometimes go up to play basketball on Wednesdays and I happen to kick ass (but not really, I just happen to be a little better than the others).

Well for the past approximate hour, I have attempted to be plumberboy, but seeings as I don't have my official plumbers union card, I can't be a good plumber. It has also become apparent to me that this house is about as old as god, and I'm pretty sure that the knobs that turn the water off haven't been turned since way back when god was born. I have come to that conclusion due to this black shit that comes out of the knob when you turn it. I have many a leak now though I had none before. That's fucked up. Toiletries suck.

Officially- 1:51 AM 4-3-98

43. This is 43 and boy will it hurt.

I was driving home from work for lunch, and some old grandpa dude decided that he wanted to ride my ass all the way home (not literally). I turned into my neighborhood, and he came after me so I turned onto my street then watched in the rear view for him to go, but he just sat there. I passed up my house and went around the block then got to the last intersection and there his truck is in a driveway and he comes running out when I see him and he flips me off. Some old dude flipped me off, what's up with that? So I back up and roll my window down and say "sir?" and he never came back out. He is an old fucking wuss, and it's people like that, that make the world the fucked up place it is now.

I got made fun of all day for being a non-plumber, and my leaky house now has tiles falling off the bathroom walls. Yes, the same bathroom with the broken in half toilet. You see, my bathroom walls are made of tiles that are about 5 inches by 2 inches, and they are all different colors, and now the mortar shit that hold them up is getting weak and the walls are literally close to falling in. I found one of the tiles in the toilet tank a couple days ago, it was funny. Especially when I had to go fishing for it, that was fricking hilarious.

My hands still stink.

That last little comment is not true.

I was told today, that there is a (not so nude) picture of me floating around on the internet. The people with these pictures can shroom me and I will give them a prize. I'm deciding whether or not I want my picture on here or not. I'm thinking probably not, but who knows.

Officially- 1:27 AM 4-6-98

44. Well this weekend was quite eventful, I went on a semi-date with a cool chick, and got visited by fairies. Here is your exciting look into edition 44.

The date in my eyes was good. It was actually a double date with Gay Matt and his girlfriend who is friends with the girl who was my date. We went to a gorge type place and walked around then went shopping in lovely Yellow Springs Ohio. I got like 10 crazy ass records for a quarter a piece. We then went to dinner after which we went to check out the stars. It was nice.

Toilet fairies have undoubtedly graced my presence, because viola, I get home today and the toitty is Mr. Fixited. WoooHoo! That rules.

I go to this movie renting place that has a woman that looks like a parrot. Her name is Polly. She tried to peck my eyes out once. And she likes donuts.

I have been sent my not so nude photo. It's a not so good photo too. I may decide soon whether or not to post them. Give me input.

Officially- 1:52 PM 4-7-98

45. Work calls so it's gonna be speedy gonzalez. Here is 45.

Puke is fun!

I hope that with age does not bring stupidity, that would be nice but unlikely.

There may be a cool girl in my little pathetic excuse for a life. I dig her.

Officially- 1:41 AM 4-9-98

46. Rain like the motherload! It is raining really, really hard. I went hunting toadstools today it kicked ass. This is episode 46 of the gameshow that is my life.

I have no idea what I'm talking about.

uh yeah.

Ok, I am officially naming myself "The dumbest punk-ass in the whole wide world." Last week sometime, I went to the local gas station, said "Hey, can I get a pack of Camels in a box?" The cashier says "Yeah, can see your ID?" "Sure" I say. I then proceed get out my ID show it to him, he rings me up, I pay for the cigarettes, then leave. Drive down to Dime's house and on the way realize....Ooops, I didn't remember to actually pick up the cigarettes at the store. Now that's pretty dumb. Well, this evening I was leaving work and going down to cincinnati, and I realized that I needed gas. I stopped at shell and they make you prepay after a certain time (that's sad), so I go in and I get cigarettes, and 10 bucks in gas. I go back out to my car thinking I gotta be fast, toss the cigarettes in the car get in and drive off. I get about 5 miles down the road, on the highway, look down at the gas guage and my first thought was, huh... is my gas guage broken? 'Cause it's still on like empty, then I thought about it and I'll be damned if my stupid ass didn't forget to actually pump the gas into my car before I left shell. Dumb as hell.

Officially- 3:26 AM 4-12-98

47. Well here we have 47. That's how old I am. Grandpa. This weekend has been messed up, lots of fun but messed up.

I am currently watching The Learning Channel, where they are showing tests of non-deadly weapons to control people instead of killing them. They got this foamy shit that they spray on people and it makes them stick to everything, they can't move cause all their limbs are stuck together, then they fall and stick to the ground. It's hilarious. They then show some of the guns they shoot at people, the bullets being made of this bean bag stuff and little rubber balls, well anyway, some guy is doing a study on what these bullets actually do to people when they get hit. Enter complete moron number 1. The man doing the study says "To see what these bean bags do, this man has volunteered to let me shoot him. He has a padding to cover his genitals should I miss, and he has some padding on his leg where I will shoot him." He walks back about 30 feet, turns around, looks at the volunteer (who is standing like he's some badass in some oh, this won't hurt attitude) and shoots the idiot in the leg. He immediately falls to the ground, cussing, and thrashing around in pain, and immediately I start laughing my ass off. You have got to be the dumbest bastard in the world to volunteer to get shot. Even dumber than my gas forgetting ass.

Officially- 1:03 AM 4-14-98

48. Well kids, the easter festivities are over (I'm late in saying that seeings that it's Tuesday now), all those sugar ridden eggs are now cheaper in price, I think you can get one for like a half a cent. 48 is a little goofy as is the author.

If any one is knowledgeable in the art of palm reading, maybe you could tell me... I'm wondering if like, ya know how got you got life lines and heart lines and blood lines and all that shit? Well ya think they got masturbation lines? Lines that just occur from many, many, hours of spankin'. That's weird.

I have realized that not only do I have toilet fairies, I also have entire bathroom fairies. They come into my bathroom and stick toilet paper in my toilet and don't flush, and they dig in the trash and toss it about the floor, and use my toiletries.

Here is my stance on just about everything, (I meant to write about this a while back but forgot about it till now) It's all about minding your own damn business. I thought of this when I was passing the local abortion clinic, and there were a couple punks standing outside with signs protesting abortions. I wanted to stop the car, get out and question him, like "Why are you out here, with this goofy sign, protesting something that someone else is doing to their own bodies? How can you feel that you should have any decision in what someone totally irrelevant to you, feels is the best idea for their body and future?" Mind your own business. If someone wants to shoot up heroin in their living room, they should be able too. Now, understand, I do not think the people hooked on junk should have any right to go and steal stuff to support their nasty habits. It's about minding your own business, they do no harm to you, you do no harm to them. Apply minding your own business to anything that you don't necessarily agree with other people. If you don't agree with them either put it aside or don't hang out with them. This here update could change THE WORLD!! But I doubt it will.

Officially- 3:36 AM 4-16-98

49. Just call me lightning boy. I haven't heard a good storm, like the one we got working now, for a long time. I think I drove through several puddles that were at least 3 or 4 inches deep, some were deeper I'd bet. It was fun! It's been sounding like one everlasting thunder boom for the past 5 hours. Welcome to the electrified, fortified, chicken fried, edition number 49.

I'm really getting fed up with all these damn, extreme, ass kicking, special effect spitting crap automatically out of yourbutt, witch hunting, turning your hair eight shades of pink, kissing yo momma with that mouth, monkey spankin', cheese whizzin', beatin' you upside the head with a tubifor (what ever that is), grandma yankin' out her teeth and makin' them bite your nose off, smackin' your genitals with a 9 pound sledgehammer, more stinky than 7 dead llamas in a bathtub, mother of all pizza, commercials. But I am considering sending that one into pizza slut and see what they can do to take all the humor and goodness out of it.

I have an odd, yet maybe not so odd fear. It is called Urinaphobia, which is the fear of using a urinal. For the lady readers a "urinal" is the stand up facility in the men's restrooms. The fear part comes from sometime back in the day, I was, well, ya know, using one of these confounded urinals, and the damn thing pee'd back on me. I was apparently relieving myself to hard for the capacity of this john, and I started getting sprayed with my own pee. That's sick! So now I have this fear when I use the stand up job, that it's going to pee on me, so I gotta pee real soft and wussyish. Haha.

 

 

 

 

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