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The Wiley Adventures of Atomic Pee Man... Part II.

Part I:

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We join Atomic Pee Man in his lovely, three bedroom, beach-front, townhouse in Chernobyl and watch as he eats his daily breakfast (wheaties with a pinch of nuclear waste.)

Suddenly a phone rings! Atomic Pee Man jumps up from his chair, knocking it over, and races to his beloved Spideyphone, diving over the dog and smacking his head into the wall. "Hello! Atomic Pee Man here! What's the deal Camille?" *APM's catch phrase*

"We've got a 732 down on the west side" answers the other end of the line. APM answers "I'll be right down" and he slams down the phone. APM then trots over to the code book and looks up 732.

"Aha! 732 is the distress code for the crack dealers of the west side. This can only mean that Old Lady Jones is back on the streets muggin' people again."

Atomic Pee Man hops into the Peemobile and cruises over to the west side. "What in the blue blazes? I don't see anything suspicious. The crack dealers are on their corners, doing no harm and there is no sign of that old hag anywhere."

Just as the words crossed his lips, APM watches as a girl strolls over to Jimmy the long -time crack dealer and she says "Hey man, you know where I could hook up?"

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Jimmy's eyes light up and he says "well well lady, today is your lucky day " and he proceeds to open his trench coat to display about 50 or so little bags of crack. "This bag is 5 dolla, this one is 10, and this special special bag full of our prize winning blue crack is 50 bucks. This stuff is smoked by the pros."

The girl says "uh... I guess you misunderstood, I meant do you know where I could hook up my RV, you see this is Road Rules Chernobyl and we need some electricity."

Jimmy replies "Oh yeah, right! That's what I meant too! The best place to plug your RV would be the power plant in South Central."

Atomic Pee Man figures the 732 must've been a false alarm, so he decided to go home and assume his real identity as Tom Jones.

Tonight he has a gig at the Wild Glowing Horse Saloon, where he woo's all the ladies with his mad tuba skills.

As usual, about halfway through the show, Tom has a plethora of chicks on his jock, so come the end of the show he needs to escape via the roof and his personal helicopter.

He returns home and says goodnight to the dog and hits the sack for a good night's rest.

-

Good morning Chernobyl! Blares the clock radio at about 25 after 4 and up hops our hero, singing along to his favorite song "Lady in Red" by Chris DeBurgh (our hero is sorta flamey that way).

His waking duties are to fall out of bed and immediately start to do 100 pushups (he occasionally has trouble with 100 but he will not leave until he gets them done, now that's dedication... or not). Next, he goes to pee his blessed, bad-guy fighting urine into that other blessed item known as a toilet.

Our faithful servant then goes to the kitchen grabs a 40 of Ole' E, a Twinkie, and 2 cigarettes. He walks over to the window, draws the blinds and looks out to see if the Peemobile is unharmed. Pee Man then sits down on the couch flips on the boob tube and lights up a smoke. He catches the local news to see if Chernobyl is safe and free from corruption. He sits around for a while when finally the spideyphone rings.

"Um... Hello may I speak to Tom Jones please?"

"Yeah, hold on a second..." (APM then runs back into the bedroom to put on his Tom Jones costume, and runs back to the phone) "Hi this is Tom. What do ya need?"

"Tom we were wondering if you could blow your horn here in The Salt Lake City Great Mormon Tabernacle?"

"I didn't know there was such a place..."

"Yup, just built it a couple days ago, you'll be performing at the grand opening with Donny Osmond!"

"Whoa, you mean that guy from that famous tooth generating family?! Is Marie gonna be there? If so, no effing deal. She gives me the willies" says Tom.

"The date is exactly 2 weeks from today" the guy on the phone says.

"Let me check my calendar...Yes, I can work that!"

"Ok, we'll fly you out here and you can stay in the penthouse suite here at The Tabernacle. We'll have the tickets there right about...

(the doorbell rings)

"Hold on man, there's someone at the door" says Tom, as he opens the door and receives a telegram and plane tickets.

"...now" the man on the phone tells him.

"Wow! Thanks! See ya in a couple weeks." That was pretty freaky thought Tom.

Next Tom goes back into the bedroom and changes out of the Tom getup and back in Atomic Pee Man and sits down to the Wheaties. His last spoonful led to yet another call on the spideyphone. He dives out of his chair and over the dog to answer. "Hello Atomic Pee Man here. What's the deals Camille?"

"Wait a second... how'd you know my name? This is Camille McHenry here, with Road Rules Chernobyl and I've just looked up 'local super hero' in the yellow pages and there you were. It's good to hear you on the other end, we kinda thought you'd be out fighting crime or something productive."

"Uh, nope!"

"Well... yeah that's good. So, APM lets get to business..."

"Alright! Um, what business is that?"

"I was wondering if our crew here on Road Rules Chernobyl could do a mission with you. I assume you have seen the show..."

"You would be making an ass out of u and me."

"Well, anyway, what a mission is, is we've got a bunch of punk ass kids that go around doing asinine things so they can continue to drive across the countryside and do more asinine things, they get paid fo..."

"Uh HEY! I don't even get paid here! Ain't no way any of you other bastards are making money."

"Well, hmm, um, yeah well, ok could we possibly hang out with you anyway? Kinda like your sidekicks for an exciting day or so? All you'd have to do is give them a quick training, we'll outfit them with superhero uniforms and they'll all have their superhero names. How does that sound?       Uh, Mr. Pee Man... um...Mr. Pee Man... HELLO?!?"

"Oh yeah! Hi! Atomic Pee Man here!"

"Sir? How does that sound?"

"Like this... (APM then makes a farting noise on his arm) Ha ha ha. It sounds good... what do I do next?"

"Next time you expect to have a busy day just give us a call at 867-5309 a day in advance so we can get the kids over to ya"

"Ok, how about today in an hour or two?"

Well alright! They'll be there! Count on seeing 6 kids fall out of a busted up VW bus about 3 miles from your house and walk the rest of the way."

"Ok."

Come back again to click here for part II of part II.

 

 

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